Ask For More
Alexandra Carter

Summary

Alexandra does a great job talking about the 10 questions you should use in any negotiation. I compared this to 'Never Split the Difference' and this gives you much more concrete questions to use rather than just concepts.

Rating: 4/5

Notes

Negotiation is any conversation in which you’re steering a relationship

Ask open ended questions. Not closed. ‘Tell me about…’

Don’t use ‘why’ questions, particularly in negotiation, because it assigns blame to someone

Create the occasion in negotiation

Write down your answers

Write down what you’re thinking, not what you wish you were thinking

Follow up, summarize your answer

1. What’s the problem I want to solve

• Think about the big picture perspective

2. What do I need?

• Love, acceptance, social support, belonging, intimacy, affection and affiliation are part of every negotiation
• Esteem needs of yourself and others is important
• People want to feel reorganized and heard and have their reputation preserved
• Make the deeper needs more explicit

3. What do I feel?

• Feelings are farts. Never forget how you feel in a negotiation
• Feelings are always present in a negotiation
• Write down the positive and negative feelings you have
• Two big hidden emotions are guilt and fear

4. How have I handled this successfully in the past?

• It might not be the exact same situation but there are elements you should take out of in the past that worked for you
• Think about a time when things went well at work or in your personal life?

5. What’s the first step?

• At the beginning, focus on step one
• If you’re stuck, consider ‘what the worst step I can take’

‘When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.’ - Ernest Hemingway

Enjoy the silence. Stay quiet after asking an open question.

After asking an open question, follow-up, summarize and ask for feedback

6. Tell me…

• Sometimes the problem isn’t what you think it is
• It builds a relationship with the person across from you
• Once you ask the question, don’t fill in the silence
• Follow-up with ‘tell me more about x…’

7. What do you need?

• Figuring out someone’s needs is so important
• If someone doesn’t say a lot, follow-up with them
• ‘What would that look like’ - ask it
• Don’t ask ‘why’ questions but ‘what…’
• Always summarize their needs and ask if you got it right

8. What are your concerns?

• This is asking someone’s feelings without saying feelings
• Pay attention to their body language

9. How have you handled this successfully in the past?

• Ask this to even adversaries
• Make sure to summarize their success back to them

10. What is the first step?

• Asking people for their ideas costs you nothing and benefits you greatly
• ‘What’s our first step?’ or ‘what are your thoughts on how to move forward’

Focus people on what they can gain rather than lose

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