Never Split the Difference
Chris Voss

Summary

An exceptional read that teaches you about the art and science about negotiation from a former FBI top hostage negotiator. There’s some amazing insights in this book into how you can influence the other side.

Rating: 4/5

Notes

When you start, learn about as much information as possible from the other side

Get your counter parts to feel safe talking about what they want

Actively listen to start and dedicate your full attention to them

Slow the process down and don’t make the other person feel rushed

Speak in a calm, soothing voice because the other person feels reassured

Use a positive/playful voice and smile because the other person will pick it up

Mirroring is an unconscious phenomenon and technique used subtly

Mirroring is repeating the last 3 words of what someone just said

When someone from authority threatens you:

• Use the late night FM/DJ voice
• Start with I’m sorry…
• Mirror
• Silence. At least 4 seconds to let the mirror work
• Repeat

Whenever asking someone to do something, mirror them and they’ll rethink

Negotiation is a process of discovery of information

Remember tactical empathy: try to understand the other side’s emotions

Labeling is repeating someone’s emotions back to them and empathizing

If you say ‘it seems like…’ & then stay quiet, people will talk

Always acknowledge your mistakes to your superior

Acknowledge someone else’s feelings in a non-judgemental way and reference the label to make it about them

Commit to an accusation audit when you talk about how bad you have been and the potential downfalls

When meeting someone, acknowledge someone’s feelings, label, mirror what they are saying and then slide in a request

Use silence and pauses to your advantage

Everyone wants to be appreciated and understood so always look at everything from their perspective

‘No’ starts a negotiation so try and get the other side to say ‘no’

The other person must feel they are coming to a similar decision and they have had a say in it, not just you

Re-frame: your words ‘is now a bad time to talk?’ Make it a negative for them

Get people to say no and agree because they’re negative emotions will get them to listen

Get people to talk about what they would say no to and say something deliberately wrong

Look for ‘nos’ in a conversation and negotiation

Let the other party negotiate in their world, it’s about them not you

Trigger a ‘that’s right’ in a person w/ a summary

• Use the tactics from before to completely describe the other person’s point of view

Get them to say ‘that’s right’, not ‘you’re right’

Use a summary of their situation to get a ‘that’s right

Never split the difference and accept compromise because the good deals are often tackling tough subjects

People are likely to cave and give the best deals when there’s time on the clock and they’re against a deadline

Deadlines are often negotiable and you get a better deal if you tell the other side about the deadline

The word ‘fair’ is important in a negotiation

To start a negotiation, use the line ‘I want you to feel like you’re being fairly treated this entire time and if you feel that I’ve been unfair, stop me and we’ll address it’

In a tough negotiation, you have to make the other side feel as though they have something to lose if the negotiation falls through

In a salary or monetary negotiation, always let the other side make an offer first

Always give a range for salary or monetary offers

In a salary negotiation, try to get the other side to be invested in your success by asking ‘what makes someone successful here?’

Bend your counter part’s reality by anchoring the starting point

Ask open-ended questions that lead with a ‘how’

Ask ‘how am I supposed to do that?’

Make your counter part think they are guiding the conversation with open ended questions

Try to start a question with ‘what’ and ‘how’, not ‘why’

Key to anything is self-control and regulation of emotion. Stop and think

There is a team on the other side all the time

Always always ask questions

Always ask ‘how does the rest of your team/everyone else feel about this?’

With tought negotiations, dodge and weave and continue to ask questions

7% is the words, 38% is the tone of voice and 55% is the speaker’s face and body language. Pick up on non-verbal cues

Liars tend to use other pronouns and more complex sentences

The deal makers tend not to use personal pronours and the people who do are less important

Use your name in a fun/friendly way and humanize yourself

To get an offer down, use the no 4 step rule where you politely say no in a variety of ways to get them to care

Remain focused on the end goal and don’t get caught up in the middle

Ask ‘how’ questions again and again

Use the rule of three: use calibrated questions, summaries and labels to get your counter part to reaffirm the agreement at least 3 times

Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice

USE THE MIRROR, IT REALLY WORKS

With analysts on the other side of the table, be prepared and do the prep

• Focus on facts, use data, warm them of issues, no surprises
• Smile as an analyst and people will give you more info

If you’re an accomodator, use your friendly skills but do not sacrifice your objectives

With assertive negotiators, use the mirroring technique

Ask about alternatives and what they can offer instead of monetary

Never be needy for a deal and you have to be willing to walk away

Ackman model for haggling:

• Set your target price (goal)
• Set your first offer at 65% of your target price
• Calculate the raise in 3 decreasing increments (85, 95 and 100 percent)
• Use empathy and different ways of saying ‘no’ to get the other side to counter
• When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers
• On the final number, throw a non-monetary item to show you’re at the limit

Decrease offers, non-round numbers, deep research, smart labeling and saying ‘no’ without saying ‘no’

Get ready to take a punch w/ kick-ass negotiators and prepare

Identify and utilize black swans, the unknown unknowns

Black swan is the events that cannot be predicted

You must remain flexible and adaptable to any and every situation

Ask lots of questions, read non-verbal cues and voice your observations with the counterpart

Dont look to verify what you know but open up to the factual reality

Figure out what the other side values, who is their audience, what worries them, what signifies status and reputation to them?

Review everything you hear

Show you’re similar, to the person on the other side

If someone is perceived as ‘crazy’ find out what they don’t know and tell them

To find out about the black swan, get facetime (meet in person)

Observe unguarded moments/the moments in between

Push hard for what you believe as a decent/honest person

Don’t avoid honest, clear conflict

Black swans live in the person’s worldview: life, religion, emotions (find out about those)

If someone seems irrational, search for constraints, hidden desires and bad info

Write down an optimistic but reasonable goal

Summarize what you want to start

It seems like ___ (accusation audit)

Prepare a list of non-cash items that would be valuable

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