I thought about committing suicide

I thought about committing suicide:

I thought about committing suicide.

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It happened to me in grade 10.

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Coming from an immigrant household where education is so valued, I busted my ass as a kid. 

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Worked as hard as I could.

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Chasing this never-ending goal of living up to my parent’s expectations.

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Then grade 10 came when I was in the pre-IB program and I was struggling.

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Side note: Pre-IB is the 2 grades before the international baccalaureate program, an internationally recognized rigorous and challenging academic curriculum

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Doing 4-6 hours of homework a night.

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Hating it.

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So when I was doing my course selection for grade 11, I told my parents I was not going into IB and going into the regular academic stream like every other student.

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My parents wouldn’t have it.

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Particularly my dad.

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He knew I had aspirations to go to school abroad.

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He was convinced I had no shot if I left IB (the International Baccalaureate program).

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I’ll never forget laying in their bed going through a pros and cons list of why I should leave.

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After mentioning a few reason, he said ‘we’re not talking about this. You’re staying in IB.’

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I went to my room and that’s when it happened.

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First and only thoughts I’d ever had about killing myself.

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Trying to figure out what the best way to do it would be.

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Thinking about how my parents hated me.

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How the world was against me.

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But it was me telling myself lies.

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None of those things are true.

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Suicide is never the answer.

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We all go through tough moments.

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We all have tough times when it feels like the world is closing on us.

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So talk to someone.

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If you can’t talk to someone, write it down.

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Get it out of your head.

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I was fortunate because I had the conviction and strength to say no.

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To stand up to my immigrant parents at 14 and say no.

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Any immigrant knows it takes a lot to do that to your parents.

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Those that have given you everything.

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My mom came around but my dad was dead set against me leaving.

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He thought I would fail.

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He thought I made a mistake.

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He thought he knew what my life should be.

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Follow his direction and never question it.

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But screw that.

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No one should control the direction of your life.

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You are living your life. No one else is.

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Don’t let someone control your direction.

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Decide for yourself.

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But be comfortable with your actions.

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You have to accept the consequences whatever they may be.

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My dad and I went to a meeting with the guidance counselor and when I walked out of that meeting telling him I was leaving, it was a significant moment in my life.

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Just a few days before I thought about killing myself.

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Now I was on my own, but I was happy with the decision.

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It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.

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Fast forward 2 years and at 16 years old, I got into medicine at multiple schools abroad.

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A kid from public school doing the normal academic curriculum.

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The guy who wasn’t supposed to go abroad.

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The guy who was supposed to fail.

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I’ll never forget breaking down in front of my parents saying ‘see, I told you so. You didn’t believe me but I did it.’

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I walked my own path.

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Reflecting on that journey, I know how close I got to the bottom.

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Got close to ending it all.

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It’s not worth it.

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It never is.

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There’s always an answer.

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I thought about committing suicide, but it’s never worth it.

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Life is so beautiful. 

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Find your own path and you won’t regret it.

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