Non-Violent Communication    
Marshall Rosenberg

Summary

Tips for better communication to be more understanding and less judgmental

Rating: 4/5

Notes

It’s not what you do that counts, it’s the quality of your attention

4 components of non-violent communication (NVC): observations, feelings, needs, requests

Once you give NVC to others, ask for it in return

• What I’m observing, feeling and needing
• What I am requesting to enrich my life
• What they are observing feeling and needing
• What are they requesting to enrich their lives

‘Do not judge and you will not be judged. For as you judge others, so you yourselves will be judged’ - Matthew Til

Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own words and values

Classifying and judging people promotes violence

Comparisons are a form of judgement

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think and feel

We can never make people do anything

‘Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence’ - Krishnamurti

We are trained to be ‘other-directed’ rather than be in contact with ourselves

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflict

Distinguish b/w what we feel and what we think we are

What others may do may be the stimulus of our feelings, not the cause

If we express our needs, we have a better chance of them getting met

If we don’t value our needs, others may not either

You are not responsible for others’ feelings

Accept responsibility for your own feelings and not the feelings of others while being aware we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others

Use positive language when making requests

Making requests in clean, positive, concrete language reveals what we really want

When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do

Requests may sound like demans when unaccompanied by the speakers feelings and needs

Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for reflection

It’s a request if the speaker shows empathy towards the other person’s needs

Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being

Ask before offering advice or reassurance

Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking

A difficult message becomes the opportunity to enrich someone’s life

Paraphrasing saves times

Reflect one’s own words back to them and validate their feelings

The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel

When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters

What bears the listener bears the speaker too

Empathy lies in our ability to be presented

Self judgement like all judgement are tragic expressions of unmet needs

With every choice you make, be conscious of the need it serves

We are never angry because of what other say or do

The cause of your anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment

Steps to expressing anger:

• Stop. Breathe.
• Identify our judgmental thoughts
• Connect with our needs
• Express our feelings and unmet needs

Creating connection b/w people to solve a conflict is the most important thing

Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them

We can liberate ourselves from cultural conditioning

Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong

Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility

We tend to notice what’s wrong rather than what’s right

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