Attached    
Amir Levine

Summary

How our roles in relationships are dictated by attachment styles, coming from childhood development research. Key lesson - everyone is either secure, anxious or avoidant and how to use that knowledge to have better relationships

Rating: 5/5

Notes

There are 3 main attachment styles; secure, anxious and avoidant that parallel those found in kids

Studies show once we have become attached to someone, two of us become one physiological unit where our parent can regulate our homeostasis

The dependency paradox: if you want to take the road of independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel it with them

Our physical health can be comprised when we’re in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t provide a secure base

I tend to be b/w secure and avoidant attachment style (more avoidant)

Last relationship was an avoidant attachment style and 2 avoidants rarely end up together

#1 rule for deciphering attachment style is the need for intimacy/closeness. If they tend not to need it, more avoidant. If they crave it, more anxious

Never be afraid to express your needs, thoughts and feelings to your partner

Listen and look for what he/she is not saying or doing (watch their actions, not words)

‘All happiness or unhappiness solely depends on the quality of the object to which we are attached by love’ - Barch Spinoza

People w/ anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions quietly and when they do they tend to misinterpret the other person’s emotional state

The more attuned to your partner’s needs at the earliest stages and he/she to yours, the less energy you will need to expand attending to him/her later

Finding a secure partner is the best option is you are single

To thrive and grow as humans, we need a secure base to derive strength and comfort. For that to happen, our attachment system must be calm and secure

Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time

Avoidants don’t date each other; they’re more likely to date people w/ different styles

When dating, ask ‘can this person provide what I need to be happy?’

Start expressing your needs so you can be your authentic self and see if your partner will meet these needs early on in the relationship or not

Secure people tend to seem boring and less dramatic at first but they have a calm attachment system and are likely to make you happier in the long run

For avoidant people, the key to happiness is when experiences are meaningful when shared with others

Avoidants tend to see the glass half empty instead of half full

De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support

As an avoidant, find a secure partner

Forget about the ‘one’ and make someone your soul mate by allowing them to get close

Secure people are great conflict busters, mentally flexible, effective communicators and not game players

To become secure, be available, don’t interfere and encourage your partner

Avoid the avoidant-anxious pairing (mom & dad) if you can

• This pairing have a rollercoaster effect where the avoidant becomes more available causing the high but then retreats to normal behaviour causing the low

For those w/ anxious/avoidant relationships, getting into the inner circle can actually mean you’re treated worse than a stranger

The inner circle with someone secure is the opposite where you’re a priority and treated nicely

Expressing your needs and expectations to your partner in a direct, non-accusatory manner is an incredibly powerful tool

People’s response to effective communication is always telling

Use effective communication to choose the right partner and to make sure your needs ar emt in the relationship

State what you want without any apologies of being who you are and communicating your needs

If you are avoidant, use effective communication when you feel the need to bolt

5 principles of effective communication:

• Wear your heart on your sleeve: be authentic and genuine
• Focus on your needs: get your needs across
• Be specific: state exactly what’s bothering you
• Don’t blame: don’t accuse the other person
• Be assertive and non apologetic: your needs are valid

5 secure principles to resolve conflict:

• Show basic concern for the other person’s well being
• Maintain focus on the problem at hand
• Don’t generalize the conflict
• Be wiling to engage
• Effectively communicate feelings and needs

Our happiness is dependent on our partner and vice versa - the two are linked

Express your fears during a fight and don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking

Remember, people have very different capacities for intimacy

A relationship should make you feel more self confident and give you peace of mind

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