Who are you really?

Who are you really?

Put out a tweet a few days ago.

‘Public you is not you. 

Online you is not you. 

So who are you? 

Only you know.’

It reminded me of a chapter in one of Derek Sivers’ books about how his online personality was not how he defined himself as a person. That was one part of him, but it wasn’t him.

Then I listened to a Yes Theory podcast today where they talked about identity crises.

Samir from the famous Colin and Samir podcast spoke with Tomas and Amar, two of the original Yes Theory guys, about how they dealt with their identity growing up. Amar, who was born in Egypt, went to high school in South Africa, went to university in Canada and now lives in the US, spoke about how he doesn’t really know who he is. He considers himself a global citizen because he’s been everywhere but doesn’t know where home is.

I found myself relating to him so much because that’s how I’ve felt.

I was born and raised in Canada and grew up here till I was 17. My parents are from India and made sure we did a lot of the Indian traditions growing up. They weren’t first generation parents so we still largely spoke English at home, but we went to the temple, kept up with all the rituals and ate Indian food on a regular basis. 

But I struggled with being Indian growing up because I wanted to be like everyone else. I still remember going to school and not wanting my parents to cook Indian food just so it wouldn’t smell around the other kids.

A lot of immigrant kids grew up the same way and it’s not until you grow up do you realize how lucky you are to not be like everyone else.

Then I went to the UK for university and spent 6 years of my life embedding myself in the culture. Watching English football and the Champions league, going to the pubs mid week and Greg’s sausage rolls were a big part of my life. When I was there, I never considered myself British but knew I fit in.

Since that time I’ve really struggled with this identity question. Who am I really? People on the outside would say I’m a doctor or venture capitalist but that’s only a small part of the story.

I consider myself a golfer, writer, brother, friend, investor, reader, and athlete just as much as I would consider myself a doctor or venture capitalist. Canada will always be my home yet I now think of myself as a British-Canadian doctor with Indian heritage rather than any one of those identities.

In the podcast, Amar talked about relating to kids who moved around the world more than people who lived in one place.I find myself relating to kids who have moved all over more than I do my friends in Canada.

There’s something about moving around a lot as a kid that teaches you so much about the world. I feel like I connect with those people more because of how much I’ve traveled. When you’ve seen a large part of the world, it changes you in a way that people who have stayed around one area just don’t understand.

It also makes you question yourself because who are you really? It can be isolating when there’s so many culture clashes between who your parents are, the environment you grew up in and the culture you enjoy the most.

So what’s the answer? How do you discover yourself?

It’s hard because there’s no right answer. No one can answer that for you except you. All I know is you have to keep being you no matter what. You cannot cave into anyone else’s expectations of who you should be. You have to authentically be you, even if that makes people angry.

There are so many people around the world who are so similar to you. 

That’s what the Internet has done as well is allow people to discover their true interests. In the pre-internet days, you were generally stuck where you were and couldn’t meet people outside of your neighbourhood. Now you can find thousands of people who enjoy exactly the same things you do.

Take my life for example.

I’ve only really discovered myself in the last few years since leaving medicine. Once I started meditating and writing, I was able to understand myself. I don’t know if I’m any closer to answering the question of who I am, but I’m trying to enjoy it day by day. I’m reminding myself that who you are is constantly changing. You can’t put titles or names on who you are because everyone is so complicated.

This is partly why politics has gotten so divisive because people assume your identity just from a title. If I say I’m a Democrat, that automatically triggers certain feelings or characteristics in someone’s mind that may not be true. If I say I’m pro-capitalism, that also triggers opinions and judgements in people’s minds before they understand me.

It feels like society lacks nuance these days. Maybe that’s just online and been perpetuated by a small portion of people on social media, but people are complicated. People’s identities are complicated. 

I believe people are genuinely good and just trying to do everything to survive. Their circumstances and experiences have taught them to think about the world in a certain way that is different from others, but that doesn’t mean one of them is wrong and the other is right.

We need to get back to a world where people actually sit and listen. They don’t take 140 characters of what someone says and assume that’s who that person is. You have no idea what someone is dealing with at any moment and to pre-judge them based on a single idea or action is stupid.

This is why cancel culture is so dumb. How can you judge someone for a comment they made 10+ years ago when the environment and context was so different? I remember growing up in school where the common slur word was faggot. I haven’t heard that word in over a decade because society has become much more accepting, but just because someone said that years ago doesn’t make them a bad person.

To assume you know someone based on what they said online or did 10 years ago is stupid. People change. They grow. Life changes them. Experience matures them and shapes their identity.

So who are you really?

Only you can answer that.