How to Not Die Alone   
Logan Ury  

Summary

A practical guide to helping you find, build and keep the relationship you've always wanted from a behavioural scientist turned dating coach who was the former director of relationship science at Hinge

Rating: 4/5

Notes

Great relationships are built, not discovered

Dating is harder than ever before

50% of marriages in the US end in divorce

Don’t let perfect be the enemy of great

Opportunity of not dating early is the dance to learn about yourself and what you want from a partner

If you’re hung up on an ex, delete them out of your life and don’t think about them

Anxious attachment style: act out to get their partner’s attention and push away when they get too intimate

Secure attachment style people make the best relationships

When thinking about who to marry, don’t ask ‘what would a love story of this person look like?’ but instead ask ‘can I make a life with this person?’

Remember, for every hot person out there, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them

Find someone who complements you, not your personality train

For a long term partner, you want someone kind, emotionally stable, loyal and has a growth mindset

Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around that person

Our brains focus on what’s measurable and easily compatible. Apps display superficial traits making us value these qualities even more

We think we know what we want but we’re wrong

Most of us have no idea what kind of partner will fulfill us long term

People seem way more desirable than they actually are. Only when they transform into real people standing in front of us is when we see their flaws

After messaging a few times, cut to the chase and be specific about the date

Go to events of things you like in real life to meet people IRL

The environment in which we make our choices matters

Be interested, not interesting

Ask yourself how you felt after seeing that person

Exposure breeds familiarity. We’re attracted to familiar things and people

Look for someone secure who doesn’t make you doubt their feelings

Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged

After so long, you need to have the DTR convo (define the relationship)

Talk about any fears or hesitations before major decisions with your partner so there’s no miscommunication

When thinking about your partner, take the wardrobe test: if your partner were a piece of clothing that you own - something in your closet - what piece of clothing would they be?

Put the work in yourself to better understand the person: pay attention, ask thoughtful questions and really listen to the other person

Reframe your break-ups as a gain, not a loss

After a break-up, focus on the positives of the break-up and the negatives of the relationship

Great relationships are created, not discovered

‘It is not the strongest of the species which survives, nor the most intelligent but the one most responsive to change’ - Darwin

During a long term relationship, have a check in ritual, ideally weekly

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