Some days suck:

Some days suck.

Today was one of those days.

Don’t know why but as the day went on, I just felt like shit.

Questioning myself.

Playing fake scenarios in my head that will never come true.

Is this what anxiety/depression feels like, except all the time?

Man that’s tough.

To be trapped inside your own head with what feels like no way out.

But you have to get your thoughts out.

Whether that is through speaking to someone, therapy, writing it down or creating, you need to dissociate them from your mind.

Our thoughts can keep us in a negative feedback loop where the world slowly feels like it’s closing in because nothing is going right.

Today felt like one of those days for me.

I kept playing out all these fake scenarios and stressing.

‘What if this happened?

What if I did that?

Next time I need to do this.’

Your world happens in your head, yet your brain can distort your vision of reality.

Reading the book ‘Think like a monk’ right now and there’s a fantastic quote in it.

‘Your identity is a mirror covered with dust. When you first look in the mirror, the truth of who you are and what you value is obscured. Clearing it may not be pleasant, but only when that dust is gone can you see your true reflection.’

We’re all seeing a muddied world based on our own subconscious and previous experiences. We are always seeing reality through our own eyes.

Reality is completely neutral, but how you choose to interpret it is up to you.

It’s so fucking hard though to clear that dust.

To spend the time to really work on yourself can take so long.

Even today, I tried to meditate to get rid of all these thoughts and come back to my breath, but it didn’t work.

But that’s the thing with self-work, it doesn’t happen quickly.

I’m battling my own subconscious right now with my fear of rejection.

I know rationally that what happened in the past is not indicative of the present but it’s so hard to let that go.

For so many years I told myself this bullshit story as an excuse.

But it’s stayed with me for so long and shaped me into who I am.

Now that someone is not rejecting me, it feels weird.

You’re not pushing me away?

What do you mean you’re not rejecting me?

I’ve been rejected my whole life and it’s made me who I am today.

Embracing it feels so counter-intuitive to how my subconscious developed.

And it makes me scared. I retreated from a few situations because it felt so strange.

What I’ve grown to appreciate is those situations are exactly the ones you need to put yourself in.

You need to be uncomfortable.

You need to confront your fears.

You need to stare your subconscious in the face and not let it take control of you.

It’s really fucking hard because if you’ve done something the same way your whole life, why would you change now?

But you need to because how else are you going to grow?

How are you going to evolve?

How are you going to experience the world for all it has to offer if you’re too trapped in your own head worried about your own fears?

Breathe, relax, let life happen as it will.

But it’s really fucking hard.

That’s why today was a tough day for me.

My subconscious made me runaway from a situation and it’s happened more than once.

The good thing though is I’m slowly progressing.

I’m slowly moving forward.

Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight.

Sometimes it can take years for you to change.

But you just have to keep moving forward.

I’m trying to remind myself of that a lot today - you’re progressing.

That’s good.

Stick with that.

Forget about the fake scenarios and the bullshit excuses you keep telling yourself.

Focus on the progress you’re making and this weird feeling. Feeling uncomfortable is good. It means you’re growing and experiencing new things.

Learn to harness those butterflies in your stomach. If your stomach is churning and your mind keeps telling you why you shouldn’t do something, that’s exactly what you should be doing.

Embrace the fear.

Embrace the shitty days.

Just keep stepping forward. Keep moving a little bit forward every day.

Focus on tiny changes that compound over time.

Baby steps.

Eventually, those baby steps will turn into long strides where you become a version of yourself you couldn’t even imagine.

So enjoy those shitty days because they’re part of the process.

Growth doesn’t happen without setbacks.

Keep going, you’re doing great.